SPOILER WARNINGS .... (insert best Hall and/or Nash voice here) FOR LIFE

If I happen to be dating someone, and you know that behind my back she lives the life of a promiscuous whore and busies herself with the junior college basketball team ... or SIMON DIAMOND, ... do me a favor and tell me.

If it just so happens that I’m the raffle winner of a Torrie Wilson ring worn silk night gown at a Brian Pillman Memorial card, but I happen to be outside of the building in hopes of snaring a picture of SHARK BOY without his mask on .... please be a pal and let me know.

If RICKY STEAMBOAT ever develops a case of amnesia, and can’t recall what some of his greatest moments inside the squared circle were, please ... call on me. Like a Michael Jackson song, I’ll be there.

But if you know the results of a wrestling show, be it a PPV, a Raw, or an Indy show in Lafayette, Indiana, DO NOT TELL ME .... unless I ask.

I’m that one guy who still likes to be surprised. Granted, the industry is quite often predictable anyway, but nonetheless, I enjoy watching the show beforehand for the benefit of what may or may not happen.

Damn the Internet. Damn Al Gore for inventing it. It’s great for so many things, but damn all the loud mouths who don’t have the courtesy to use SPOILER WARNINGS. It’s sort of like accidentally finding out what you’re getting for Christmas, but then still trying to smile the same way you would if you didn’t already know.

God Bless the Internet. God Bless Bill Gates for being a computer geek capitalist and inventing it. The ‘net allows complete fan access all over the country. PPV results? Got ‘em as they happen. Ditto for Raw and Smackdown. That show in Lafayette, Indiana viewed by only sixty people, even with Sabu and Tommy Rich on the card? Got ‘em. For the fan who has to know, the Internet is an invaluable tool. And I have to know, but at my own discretion.

Damn Instant Messaging. One night, back when WCW was still ... WCW, I was doing some research when a friend (who’s not a loudmouth) IM’ed me on a night that Thunder had aired. I had taped the show, planning to watch it when my studies were completed. Keep in mind this friend (just for the sake of simplicity, we’ll call this friend ... oh, I don’t know ... Jakob) knows full well how I detest knowing results before I watch the match. Anyway, this is at the point where Thunder had become the wretched program that it did, but that’s besides the point. As a matter of fact, if memory recalls correctly, the conversation went something like this:

Jakob: “Hey, what’s up? You watching Thunder?”
Brian: “Nah, got it taping. Gonna watch it after I get all this other junk finished. Figure I’ll fast forward through it before I go to bed.”
Jakob: “Yeah, it sucks anyway, I mean, c’mon Bret Hart in the NWO ...?”
Brian: “Oh yeah? Hmm... yeah, that sounds pretty stupid. I’ll have to check that out ...”
Jakob: “Yeah, not too mention Jeff Jarrett doing the J.O.B. to that piece of crap (fill in the blank that my memory is unable to do, but feel safe that is was a big name with a fat contract and lazy work ethic) and with that stupid guitar shot for the umpteenth time ....”

Auuggghh!

Screw you, Microsoft Spell Check. “Auuggghh” is too a real word. Charlie Brown uses it all the time, so I know it has to be a real word.

The above reference is just one of many such experiences, with several guilty parties who just couldn’t wait to fill me in on the big turns, mystery partners, impromptu debuts, and title changes in the industry. No, they just couldn’t wait, whether or not I asked to know.

Which brings me to the other night, and this long over due S.O.T. opinion. Being the cheapskate that I am, plus semester final exams looming, I didn’t get the WWF Vengeance PPV. To be honest, the entire “Alliance” storyline has been so botched beyond repair, and the Survivor Series main event so nonsensical, I just had no desire to give Vince my money this month.

So, while doing a little homework research, I happen to get an IM from a good friend of mine. We’ll call him ... oh, I don’t know, let’s just use the last example from above. You’d think I’d learn by now to either ignore my ‘net presence or use a screen name my friends aren’t familiar with. The conversation goes something like this, moments after the PPV presumably concluded. Keep in mind that this friend and I know exactly which performers we really appreciate, and which ones we have a disdain for. At least as far as their pushes and rewards go. Also keep in mind that the main event at Vengeance is the three match challenge to declare the Unified World Champion, essentially merging the WWF and WCW World titles for the first time since Buddy Rogers was crowned the first Federation champion. Austin vs. Angle, Rock vs. Jericho, with the winners meeting in a decisive bout.

Jakob: “You read the results yet?”
Brian: “No, I’ve been busy with school stuff. I’ll probably just hold out until I watch Raw tomorrow night.”
Jakob: “NO OH NO OH NO NO ...”
Brian: “What? What’s wrong ...?”
Jakob: “The first ever Unified World Champion, and they’re giving it to him? I hate him!”
Brian: (At this point, the cat is not only out of the bag, but off wailing all night long on the fence, disrupting the sleep of neighbors and canines alike) “Don’t tell me ... I don’t want to know until I watch tomorrow ...”
Jakob: “Oh. OK.”
Brian: (At this point, I realize I won’t even be able to pretend I don’t know. Jakob detests the Jericho Push with a passion.) “Oh, so I take it by your comments that Jeri ..”
Jakob: “I hate that guy getting the push! The first EVER Unified World Champion and it’s him! No way I’m watching Raw tomorrow night! I always said, if they put the belt on that guy ...”

And so our dialogue went before our conversation veered away from wrestling and I went back to my studying. After all, it’s not like I really had to wonder what I was going to see on Raw the next night ... Damn the Internet! Life without Spoiler Warnings just isn’t fair! Damn you Al Gore for inventing it! Next time, my vote is going to ... oh, wait a minute, never mind. At least we as a functioning pop culture society don’t have to worry about our elections being predetermined! Some things are still safe!